That Bane
by blacknails512
Summary: Magnus Bane annoys a client with all his talk about Alec. Pure crack. No longer a oneshot. But you should still R&R.
1. Alexander Lighthouse

**A/N- Hey, I'm back. With another oneshot! Yay for me! :)  
Disclaimer- I do not own the Mortal Instruments, but I **_**do**_** own this plot. So ha!**

**One last thing- This IS a MALEC fic, even though the beginning may imply something different, OK? AND! There will be a little spinoff thing for this that will be much better, I promise. **

I checked myself in the mirror one more time, rocking a gray sweater. Magnus Bane was coming over to help me with a very peculiar spell that I just_ couldn't _figure out… *Cough Cough* He was supposed to be here by now…

Why am I wearing a gray sweater and baggy jeans, you may ask? Well I've wanted to be Bane's boy toy for _years_, but who does he go for?- A lame, ugly, annoying, prick of a shadowhunter who is so far in the closet it'll take years for him to find his way out. Yeah, I went there.

I mussed up my newly dyed jet-black hair and smiled to myself. I looked like Alexander Lighthouse, or whatever the hell his name was; only I looked _better._ Magnus Bane would be putty in my hands in less than an hour depending on whether or not he even _gets _here in the next hour. That Bane is always "fashionably" late, but forty-five minutes is just ridiculous!

He's probably out with that stupid demon hunter again. A demon dating a demon _hunter?_ Now that's just not right. It's like a tiger being best friends with a human. It just doesn't ever happen. Except in Aladdin, but that was a freaking Disney movie that also involved a flying carpet and a genie. Then again, half of the downworlders in New York have a flying carpet… Whatever, I made my point, didn't I?

Oh! Looky here. Magnus Bane finally gets to the place he was supposed to be at forty-five minutes ago. How delightful.

I skip nimbly to the door and open it up to reveal the magnificent High Warlock. I couldn't look at him too long, though. For one, I didn't want him to think I was creepy for staring at him for so long, but mostly because his glittery silhouette was partially blinding me.

"There you are," I say. He doesn't even look up at me. His face is hidden by his to-die-for hair and I realize he's typing away on his bedazzled cell phone. Damn!

I just sigh repeatedly until he looks up and notices me in front of him. "Oh, I'm sorry," he says, straightening up to his very tall full height. "Who are you again?"

Resisting the urge to sigh dramatically, I simply take a deep breath and tell him my name, "Raymond Elijah Marcinko Estevez Vladimir Gleeman Alexander Valdez Berrocal Zolderhackititch the Third."

"Uh…" he walks into my house, and passed me, looking at my gray sweater in disdain. "That's a really horrendous sweater. I hope you realize that," he says. "My boyfriend, Alexander, has sweaters just like that, but somehow he can make it work, y'know?"

Slamming the door shut, I just nod my head and murmur something that I don't believe is worth repeating, thank you.

He sits on the couch, which I made pink especially for him, and whips out his cell phone once again. Tapping away at his keyboard, I wait patiently for him to finish whatever it is that he absolutely MUST say whilst in my presence.

"So," he says once he's finished. "Why am I supposed to be here and what do you want?"

I clear my throat. "I need help with a certain spell."

Bane just looks at me. "So?"

"So," I say, trying not to get irritated. "I need your help to-"

"Whup, hang on a sec," he interrupts. His phone is playing some odd ringtone that sounds suspiciously like "I'm too sexy for my shirt."

Groaning, I look towards the ceiling. I come all prepared for Magnus Bane to arrive and he doesn't even pay attention to me. AT ALL!

"Hey baby," I hear him say. "What shakin? You, I hope."

I groaned again.

"Oh, really? You did?" He sounds so fascinated now.

I can only imagine their many intelligent conversations-

_Magnus: Oh Alec. I love you so much._

_Alec: Oh Magnus. I love you, too._

_Magnus: We should get married!_

_Alec: Yes, we should! But wait. I'm too much of a cowardly jackass to tell my parents about you and I'm still in love with my adopted brother so I'll have to turn you down and go barely kill a demon!_

_Magnus: Oh Alec. You're so perfect!_

_Alec: Oh Magnus. I know!_

Bleh. I could hurl.

And if I have to wear this damned sweater for one more second, I _will _hurl. All over Alexander's pasty face!

I was snapped out of my fantasy involving me hurling on Lighthouse by Magnus exclaiming, "NO WAY! That's on in _how many minutes?" _He listens to his little boy friend thing and gasps. "Nuh-uh. I'll be right over, bye hon. Love you, too."

He snaps the phone shut and I take my chance to speak to him once again. "Now, about my spell problem…"

Magnus hops off the couch and shakes his head. "No, Raymond Von Schnitzel," he says. "The new season of Gossip Girl starts in ten minutes and if I talk to you any longer I'll miss it and won't be able to snuggle next to my little shadowhunter. Later!"

He decided it would be absolutely hilarious to slam the door on his way out and shake some of the china a laid out onto the floor.

I

Hate

Alexander

Lighthouse!

**A/N- And there ya go. Pure crack! CRACK I TELL YOU! CRACK!  
And not an Ass-Crack, but a crazy, fic-like piece of crack.  
You're very welcome for this masterpiece.  
I'm totally kidding. I know it was bad, but hey, if you want to tell me just how bad it was, then let me know in a review.  
Flame me.  
I fucking dare you.  
AND, if you want to tell me some of the GOOD things about it, then that would be excellent as well. Peace out, yo.  
Ella, out. **


	2. Surprise Surprise

**A/N- Hey everyone! :) I'm baaaack! And I know I said that this was a oneshot, but I got such good reviews that I just said what the hell and went for it. Hopefully this chapter is just as good as the first one, and if not, then you should tell me when you review. Hint, hint.  
Disclaimer- I still don't own the Mortal Instruments. **

(Still Raymond's POV)

I huffed. Like a child, I was pouting on my couch and thinking about how absolutely _tragic_ it would be for Alexander to have a little… ah, _accident_ with a demon. I know a lot of people. I could arrange that. And then when Magnus is heartbroken over his little shadowhunter's death, he would come to me, and I'd let him cry on my shoulder and everyone would be happy.

Except Alexander of course.

But, then again, I don't really care.

Lighthouse can fall in a hole and drop dead. Magnus Bane will be mine. I'll make sure of it.

Flipping on the picture box (I'm bringing that saying back); I was suddenly struck with a brilliant idea. Gossip Girl was on and that was why Magnus left. All I have to do is watch it, too, and tomorrow I shall have a marvelous conversation with him about it. That'll get his attention.

Wait! I've got an even better idea- Whilst I'm watching it I'll text him about it! I am so damn clever!

(Magnus POV)

I got to the apartment just in the nick of time to watch Gossip Girl. I was so excited. That show is awesome.

And I get to cuddle up next to Alec while I'm watching it. Double awesome.

I got to the couch and kicked off my shoes, accidentally flinging them at Chairman Meow. Whupsy. He hissed at me but Alec managed to calm him down. Alec absolutely melted around Chairman Meow and turned into a big softie. Don't ask me why, because I don't even know.

"Hey," I said, kissing his cheek. He blushed slightly as I did so, which made me smile. He was so shy it was adorable.

"Hey," he answered. "You came just at the right time.

I saw a chance for innuendo. "Don't I always?"

He looked confused for a minute but I saw it click in his brain and his mouth formed a perfect 'O.' He blushed harder and I just shook my head.

"Alexander," I said. "You've been with me for how many months now? You should be used to my vulgar comments."

Even though I was pretty sure it would be impossible, he blushed even harder. It couldn't have been healthy to blush so much. I wonder how hot his cheeks got when he blushed like that.

"Seven," I heard him mutter.

Confused, I turned on the TV and looked at him. "What?"

He looked me straight in the eye, which he rarely does with anyone, and said, "Seven months. We've been together seven months."

Honestly, I didn't think he would remember that. But Alec is always surprising me.

Speaking of surprising, he did something else he didn't usually do. _He _leaned forward and kissed _me _on the _lips_. No joke. He really did.

So, like any other sane person, I kissed him back. The moment was perfect.

And then my phone went off.

We both groaned and I got off of him (somehow we ended up lying on each other) to take out my cell. Looking at the screen, I didn't recognize the number of the person who texted me.

The message was kind of weird, too-

_OMG, this show is AMAZING! :) _

If that's not sketchy, then I don't know what sketchy means anymore. I showed the message to Alec and he just shrugged so I replied-

_Who the hell r u & howd u get this number?_

It took only ten seconds for this creep to reply… which made whoever it was even creepier.

_It's Ray, silly! ;)_

I didn't know any Ray's.

_O.o Who?_

Again, it only took him a few seconds to reply, though I don't know how he texted all of that in those few seconds-

_Raymond Elijah Marcinko Estevez Vladimir Gleeman Alexander Valdez Berrocal Zolderhackititch the Third, remember?_

Oh shit.

**A/N- The end…. Of this chapter anyways.  
Not as good as I planned it to be, but whatever.  
Review please!  
-Ella**

P.S. - City Of Fallen Angels comes out on Tuesday! Who else is excited? :D


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